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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Saturday, July 12th, 2008|
i've been awake since 1pm yesterday. i was dead tired all day. went out with friends. some shit happened and then i came home. and couldn't go to sleep. i'll go into detail some other time about the night.
but, i just realized that i made the biggest mistake ever.
and i need some fucking guidance.
my life is going nowhere.
i CAN NOT be in a rut. not at this age.
i can't feel like i need someone to pick up all the pieces. but, i'm too proud to let that happen.
i just don't know what to do anymore.
|Wednesday, July 9th, 2008|
lust. like. love.
fuck it all.
there's only one person i've ever loved. and i've managed to fuck it up beyond repair.
i miss what we had. i hate that i miss it. but what the fuck can i do about my feelings especially when i'm this inebriated.
i'm destined for loneliness. in my house with my books and my cat.
but like i've said many times; books can't hurt me and i can't hurt them.
|Thursday, June 12th, 2008|
i feel like everything is at a stand still.
some online news thing wants to use one of my pictures for an article. i don't know if i should let them or what. i need to get my name on my pictures. i'm paranoid that someone will steal them.
|Friday, June 6th, 2008|
i'm buying nair tomorrow if i have to walk all the way to the pharmacy to get it. i'm sick of shaving and my skin getting all irritated.
going to crystal and nick's tomorrow night for that east african rice dish they make...yum.
i haven't had a drink in a week. i'm quite proud of myself. i feel a lot better and my skin looks better too.
a great dane wandered into our yard tonight and i fell in love. he was so gorgeous. i want one now. we ended up chasing him like two streets over and then back to our road all the while coaxing him with food, but he was scared. then he finally galloped off down the road. i just hope someone doesn't hit him and i hope he finds his way home.
|Thursday, May 29th, 2008|
umm umm umm...
i haven't been sleeping again. i thought that shit was over. but i guess not.
i need to find a polaroid camera.
still jobless. fuck cayman employment or lack there of. fuckers!
as a result i'm fucking broke beyond belief.
i've officially given up on men. i'm going to become asexual and live in a house with all my books and yell at kids to stay off my lawn.
i've decided not to drink for a while, not only because i can't afford but it just makes me feel like shit in general.
jill comes home tomorrow. i can't wait to see her!
that's about all.
|Tuesday, May 27th, 2008|
i fucking hate men...well the vast majority. i've been feeling guilty and i know i shouldn't. i didn't do anything wrong. but i've been feeling like the most horrible person all day. i know i hurt him [which i never wanted to do] but now, after all this time he's hurting me. he's moving on, getting in to another relationship but making me feel guilty for "breaking up" with him. apparently i "ruined him". FUCKING WHATEVER! my brother says that the asshole is just trying to make me jealous. but i don't feel jealous i just feel like a piece of shit. i was just, for this once, thinking about me and how i felt and it didn't feel right and now i get this in the end. i just frigging love it.
tonight was fucking fun as hell. went to attic then obar. nothing significant happened. i danced, saw old friends, took a shit load of pictures, drank, danced some more, took more pictures, drank loads of water and now i'm home. oh, we [zara, sasha, tenisha and i] did have to fight off these weird, ugly, drunk guys who tried to get into our booth. security-guard-matt helped us out though, after making fun of my tattoo and cussing zara for something. good times.
i'm going to find a job tomorrow. i'm sick of not doing anything with my time.
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2008|
i fucking hate tonight and i wish it never happened.
it was good then it turned to shit. slowly but surely.
i wish i could pick up and leave tomorrow. i want to get as far away from this place and the people as possible.
i miss my savannah. i miss her all the time but lately i've missed her a lot. i just miss all sorts of normalcy i used to have in my life. i need some of it back and i have no idea how to gain it.
|Saturday, May 17th, 2008|
i'm beyond tired....
and that's all i have to say.
|Thursday, May 1st, 2008|
i still haven't heard from public works. i'm supposed to have an interview this week, but only god knows when. maybe they'll call next week.
my sister comes home on sunday. i've already got orders to bring her a tuna sandwich, a t-shirt and a gatorade to the airport. she also wants to go to MAC on monday depending on how she's feeling. the heat makes her so sick when she comes home.
i'm waking up early and doing some serious room cleaning. every time i clean i always give away bags of stuff the thrift stores but i never feel like i get rid of enough. so that's my mission tomorrow.
also, i think i'm getting sick. how this is possible, i'm not sure. i haven't been around anyone who's sick. i'm going to kill it with some vitamin c and loads of water.
damn my immune system.
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2008|
i went to the movies tonight with zara and anthony. we went to see street kings which i quite enjoyed. after we were walking to the car talking about the movie. when we made it to the car i heard some commotion so i looked over and this guy was beating the shit out of his girlfriend, i'm assuming. anthony wanted to go over there and do something about it but i stopped him. two other girls who i'm guessing knew them went over and tried to stop them, but the fighting continued. i was scared out of my mind, didn't know if this guy had some sort of weapon and i just wanted to get out of there. i've never seen anything like that before. i mean you hear about it all the time, but to see a man that size attack a woman who is considerably smaller than he is, throw her up against a car and punch her is really mind blowing and not in the good way. i must say she did a good job of defending herself though. while we were driving out zara called 911 to report it, apparently they took care of it. i feel awful for not doing anything, but at the same time it wasn't our problem and if that man could hit his girlfriend like that imagine what he would do to two girls and a guy he didn't even know. i can't fight to save my life that alone would have gotten me killed or at least badly injured.
after all of that, we went to the beach across from zara's house and had some screwdrivers because we were all shaken. sat out there for an hour or so and talked about everything imaginable. i saw three shooting stars. i've never seen more than one in one night. then i went for the drive to drop anthony home. now i'm home an can't sleep.
i have an interview this week [wish me luck] and my sister comes home on sunday!!!
|Saturday, April 26th, 2008|
the party last night was awesome. no dancing this time though, sadly. we pretty much drank and hung out. good times.
lauren comes home tonight!!
i'm going to take a nap.
|Friday, April 25th, 2008|
what's been going on since i last wrote:
-met a boy.
-got fired from the shitty pottery studio. cried for days and cursed my former boss like no other [not to her face of course]. i'm mean like that.
-got a new job working at a second hand furniture store. boring as fuck, but it paid. got let go, i guess you can say, because the company couldn't afford to pay me. they just couldn't handle my hotness, that's all. haters.
-started applying to school in vancouver island. fingers crossed i get in.
-put in application for another boring as fuck office job. that was two weeks ago. i haven't heard anything yet.
-"broke up" with boy. it wasn't working for me. but we still talk.
-lost a treadmill on ecay [yeah you read that right. it's the ghetto ebay of cayman]
-should definitely be out of cayman by september. woot!
-went to the beach today. my face is as red as a lobster and i can feel the heat radiating off of it. but my legs look tanned, that was my goal. and i'm making jello shots for my mama tomorrow. her bday is monday and we're starting the festivities tomorrow =D
so in conclusion; at the moment, i'm fat, lonely and broke [and red]. but, this should all change in the next few months as i'm looking for a new treadmill and should be getting another job working for government. the whole lonely bit, i'm not worried too much about, i have friends and i'm going to be living with my sister soon. who needs a man when you have an awesome house and awesome people in your life? not i.
|Wednesday, October 17th, 2007|
i had a dream about my grandmother who passed away last november. it's the most vivid dream i've had in months. it was christmas and she walked in with my dad. as soon as i saw her i started to cry, i ran over to ask her what she was doing here. she just looked at me and said, "i don't want you to miss me anymore and i want you to move on with your life." at that point i started to cry more and just hugged her. i woke up straight away. it's a pretty straight forward message, but i'm not ready to move on and forget. i miss her everyday and it's been really hard. i'm trying to deal the best i know how.
|Saturday, October 6th, 2007|
this place and the people in it are really, for lack of a better description, something else. i'm not surprised by anyones actions, i got all my anger out on my birthday, and i pretty much know where i stand with most. as of now, i'm just going with the flow. i don't have the energy to get pissed off at people and whatever bullshit they decide to pull. i had fun tonight despite what went down. that's the beauty of ignoring bullshit. i even had a guy i know come up to me because i was standing at the bar and ask me to get him two drinks and he promised to give me the money for it. i got the drinks, gave them to him, some scantily clad woman came along, rubbed up on him and that was it, i never got my money i didn't even get a thank you, but like i've said, i can't be bothered. that's what people are like here. i'm not at the point where i don't want to go out anymore. i like going out and chilling with the few i have so much fun with them. i just try my best to ignore the fucking stupid people.
i can't even write anymore. i have so much i want to say, but it's all contradictory and i don't have the patience or the articulation right now.
|Sunday, September 30th, 2007|
i haven't been this exhausted in a long time. i woke up at 8 after fighting to go to sleep last night, or should i say this morning. i got to work before 10am and pretty much was on the move from then til 6pm when we closed. i didn't sit down once, i chugged water like i was running a marathon and i've never had such a strong urge to scream at adults like i did today. they are worse than the little kids, man. after that i went to attic, i ate since i hadn't eaten all day and was starving, i was so tired that couldn't even drink. i bought a bucket and zara ended up having the majority of it. you know it's bad when erin doesn't drink. also, i know i was talking shit the entire time. i don't even know what i was saying. words were coming out strewn and stumbled. god, my body is just dead but you know i can't sleep. but, i love my job. i actually look forward to going to work. for once.
|Saturday, September 29th, 2007|
this has been a rough week. the truth is, i'm used to writing in my bmezine journal more than here, but at the moment it's down. hmm, so, my bday was on tuesday, it was great compared to the rest of the week. i thought my bday was bad til all the other shit went down. i don't want to go into detail. all i can really say is that i wish monique and few others were here with me. it would make it so much better.
i have to work tomorrow. i love my job, but the way that i'm feeling right now, i don't fucking care anymore. i'm just praying for a better week, a better year.
i've started my diet. let's see what happens in the next three months.
|Wednesday, September 12th, 2007|
you know, the swearing off men couldn't go smoothly. any other time i could go out and not get harrassed or picked up by anyone, but no, not now. i danced with this guy last night and holy fucking shit is he an amazing dancer, put me to shame. i think he's gay but i love him. i was ready to take his ass home last night. but no, no no, i won't do it. celibacy is the way to go right now. i keep telling myself that.
|Tuesday, September 11th, 2007|
there comes a time in every girl's life when she needs to scream. i can't seem to find the right time or place, so like everything in my life it keeps getting put off.
|Monday, September 10th, 2007|
i've given up on men completely. this has been in action for the last week. and ofcourse once i say that i end up attracting men and the oddest ones at that. so far it's been a southern med student, a loud, football loving boy who wears plaid pants, my step-cousin's boyfriend's cousin [he was actually kind of fun though], the random yardie that hits on anything with boobs, and i've been getting lustful eyes, kisses and touches from bartenders. why? why as soon as you say you're done they just pile up? fuck men, I AM DONE!!!!
|Tuesday, September 4th, 2007|
so, i need to admit something so lame it's not even funny. i have a crush on a guy i've never met. i've known him for years but i've never met him. damn you internet. damn you to hell.